Tired

This is something that really bothers me. I don't know whether is acceptable to put up here, but I need to voice out. Shoot me if you want, I am used to it.

When it comes to music, everyone knows that I am very passion in it.

Such like practicing everyday, making noise at CFA everyday. Obviously people are not happy with it, but it doesn't hurt the passion.

But ever since I started English horn in 2008, I had another big problem, which not many people may realise. Politic, as I would call it. I think no one knows, but I hate politics as much as I love music.

Reeds problem. I practice so hard, that my reeds usually wear out in 2 to 3 months, not as long as one year as people "commonly known". And when it comes to buying reeds, I have another problem.

Money problem. Obviously the band doesn't have enough money, always. Every single sem, I got my reeds and got arrows such like, "Why you buy reeds??? You know we don't have money???", or, "Why you never tell me you buy reeds??? You know we don't have money???"

At one time, I dug out my own money just to buy two reeds. $70. Gone in 3 months (more or less expected).

Being in exco before, I know exactly what kind of problem they are dealing with. That's why, I never blame them (except when they scold me).

But when Tess told me that she got scolded because I just got 2 new reeds, my mind changed. I guess you understand the feeling of seeing another person being accused when it's really nothing to do with her. Then I started to think a lot.

She also told me that I may need to pay the reeds by myself. Then I started thinking a lot more.

The first thing is, I have the money to pay for the reeds, but am I really supposed to pay for it? Like someone just told me, the band should bear the responsibility to supply any needs for musicians. And what I always think is, musician should really just focus on the music making and no need to worry about accesories. Obviously I am the only one who is suffering in this, simply because my reeds are far too expensive.

And then I think, I actively search for a better instrument (for those that don't know, I am using NUSSO instrument, which is 10 times better than ours), and always got scolded for reason I don't want to reveal. I practice a lot to improve, for the sake of both myself and the band, and I always got scolded by our very own people, "shut up" (ok, not that direct, but you know, my intepretation always fail). I even trouble myself by taking the instrument everywhere I go so that I can practice easily.

Then I started to feel tired. And sicked of it. The trigger is really still the reeds problem. Thinking of having to deal with reeds problem every single sem made me really unmotivated. And disappointed. Thinking of the stress that is on Tess, made me really unhappy.

I know is the system, not the people. Like I said, no blame on exco and anyone else. That are certainly something that they cannot do, like money. But I don't see the point of paying the reeds myself. Not when I am playing only for the band, for the concert, and for the band to earn money from the concert. I cannot even convince myself that it is a money to pay for the band. $70 a sem? That sounded too much for me. And I haven't counted in the money that comes from my family members that are going to watch the concert. Ok, that is not really related, so I never count in anyway.

Then I started to think of the solution to this.

The most easy way to think, is simply not playing English horn anymore. It sounded a bit extreme, but for me, it may be the best way. Go find another player that can afford the reeds himself, or a player that can use a reed for more than a year. Then the band no need to afford too many reeds, and a happy ending. Somemore, a lousy player like me are gone. Me? I can go back to flute, if they want to accept me. I hope they do.

The other way, is of course taking out $70 every sem from my bank. And every sem I got 2 new reeds, enough to practice, enough to perform. Happy ending. Or is it?

The other way, is to settle with the people. But then, it becomes really political, which I hate most.

I know, I am very demanding and troublesome and annoying, but I am just like that.

Maybe I should just start practicing back my flute skill so that the flute section can accept me.

Edit:
I forgot to add a really important point. I don't really want to deal this problem with the exco now is because I know they are very stressed at this moment, so I don't want to give them more problem.

Edit edit:
Case close. Happy ending.