Disappointment

I know I will be shoot by many people (again). May even become enemy for most people. But I just want to say what I think.

The last concert was undoubtfully a very good concert that bring us all together, but I started seeing things that I don't think people will see. Or maybe they all saw, but they just didn't think the way I did. Or maybe they did, but they didn't speak out.

The first one is the election. Before the election, I was very excitingly planning that I want to be in the next exco. "Contribute to the band", that's most people will say. But the incident of failed Concert Master disappointed me to the most extend.

Many people (of course not all) admitted that Chen Guo does have some skill in conducting. Yet he didn't get the post.

Then the incident reminds me of Xianwei's failing to get president last year. When two incidents are brought together by me to think about, I suddenly realised, president position does have the importance to be choose very very carefully, but how about the position of concert master?

Maybe this is very normal for people, but I don't feel I can accept it. I know how Chen Guo wanted to contribute the band and willing to change for the band (and I know the possibilities that he will not be able to change), yet people rejected him easily. So how, he doesn't even have the right to learn how to do the job properly?

Then something else come into my mind. A position like mine, logistic officer, does all the hard works. I believe of course ability is important in this job, but more important is the willingness for one to do them. Then how I was treated in last election? People question every single question that is related. I can already imagine, if I answered any of the question wrongly, I will surely lost the job.

The election for government is also the same thing, but what can they get if they got elected? The power to govern and wages, at least. Then what did I get? More chance to be the slave of people? Or more chance to be attacked?

People like me choose to be the slave of the band, yet people want to make sure their slave can have the ability to be their slave.

Quote a sentence from Xinhui: "Should you run for presidency, while you are in the same section as me, I WILL NOT vote for you." I am absolutely positive (and happy) to this statement, just that, knowing my inability even before she said this, I will not run for presidency.

Secondly, is about how people contributed to the band. Yes we all have the sense of belongingness to the band, but how many of us really sacrifice for band?

Like how I said previously, in election, there are so many people who refuse to contribute in exco, yet they can shoot those nominees as freely as they want. Yes you have your heavy workload and assignments, this band is of course less important than your study. People like me have very little workload, of course we can have more time to contribute to the band.

Every band practice, people reach at CFA and start chatting very early. When it is time to arrange the chair, how many of them really go in to arrange? If people like me that is in meeting or busy warming up for the rehearsal, I don't blame. But how about those who are busy chatting and refuse to help? Do you think that you are the best player around, you will not need to arrange?

Then there are people who reach slowly and calmfully when they discover that the band practice is about to start, and they go "oh, can start playing already".

How about every time when any exco requested people to help for anything? Those who turn up are always those who are too familiar, and those who don't turn up appear only at rehearsals. But I don't really have the right to blame, because I don't turn up as much as many people else. I know busy practising for concert isn't a reason for not helping, so I beg your apologies.

Some times I wonder how heavy the sense of belonging is, and how it can be spread among the members.

And then this case of CFA. I still remember how people were objecting loudly when I said that the new band t-shirt need to have a "a member of NUS Centre for the Arts" words. What they said, I can't really remember, I just know that, people are so so reluctant to link themselves to "CFA".

Then how about every time you use CFA facilities? How about every time you step into CFA, to find a place to enjoy your day?

People think that CFA is a really crappy group that will only spoilt the musicality of the group. Listening to their points, I have to agree to the point very much.

Ok, other bands in the world don't have this thing called "CFA", but how their money comes from? How they manage to get a place for practice and rehearsal?

What I know is, I am using the instrument provided by CFA, using the place provided by CFA, and using the facilities provided by CFA. Those people who are using own instruments, can you not use the CFA venues to practise? Can you not use the CFA facilities, like toilets, or even air-conditioners?

Conversation of the day:

A: Can you play at somewhere else?
Me: Can you study at somewhere else?
A: But I have been studying here since just now.
Me: I have been playing here since last year.

Started from last year, or just now, isn't really the point. The point is, why I who play in Centre for the "Arts", will be requested to shut up, while people who are studying at Centre for the "Arts", can study so happily? Maybe if I was requested by someone who is from "Arts" faculty, I will not be so angry.

But after that, my anger lost, and disappointment came in. I admit that I am very very selfish, that I use the venue to practise, while people can use it to study. I am very selfish, I scare people will point at my nose if I cannot play well in the concert. I am very selfish, I scare my fellow band mates will pop in randomly just to discover they don't have room to practise. I am very selfish, just because I love music so much, I have spoilt the quietness that people expect at CFA.

Every time when I step in CFA to discover a lot of my fellow band mates there, I don't usually feel happy, and I don't know whether they will be happy seeing me. When I take out the instrument, eyesights become offensive.

There are something I want to say. Everyone tells me that to in order to improve, one needs to practise long notes. Ok I accept the point. Have you ever practised long notes for 1 hour? How about 3 hours? How about 5 hours? If you can practise for so long with still mind, I have to say, you are one thousand times better than me. But I cannot.

Practising long notes is something torturing for me. I know it is the most important thing. What I do is randomly focus on the notes, while more of the time doing other works. If you want to say I cannot have good result if I am not focus on the notes enough, I guess my improvement can defend myself.

So, if you want me to go somewhere else to practise, where can you offer? Do you know the fact that most rooms are occupied by different groups, and I have to give my fellow band mates a room for them to practise? Ok, even if I really have a room, I can't really concentrate on practising for more than one hour, what's the point. Ok, even if I have a room and I can concentrate, do you have the right and power to order me to play at somewhere else?

Enough for my grumble.