out of realm

How long, since I not playing English horn? 2 weeks?

But I remembered, 2 weeks before this 2 weeks, I wasn't playing English horn also.

Khee Nguen said yibin (don't ask me if you don't know him) is interested in playing English horn part. What I had in mind was just some kind of powerless, or rather, helpless.

I am starting to feel out of realm. A realm that I tried to build to protect myself from being rejected from English horn.

Remember that I always said, I always afraid of people come and take over my place at English horn. Well, for an instrument like that, and a beginner like me, really hard to avoid this kind of helplessness.

I like to tell people that English horn is a lonely instrument, and the person playing it has to be able to cope with loneliness. But I am feeling a lot more loneliness when I am not able to touch the English horn. Maybe, it is the loneliness that makes me so desperate for English horn.

Maybe I shouldn't, but I am thinking, I will not play for the next concert if I am not playing English horn. Call it stubborn, or stupid, but I have no more courage to take up other instruments in front of the band.

The first time playing English horn in front of the whole band, and in front of Mr Tan, the misery result even destroyed my little confidence.

I know I need a lot of practices, a lot more than anyone else.

But now, I just want my English horn...