Music Instruments

Let me introduce you the uncyclopedia.

Xian Wei has shown me an interesting page of NUS and Singapore, but I have found something that is even more interesting.

The music instruments.

Let's start with my new instrument (sadly, no English horn).

The oboe is considered the hardest of instruments to play, even harder that the triple-tuba. Oboe players must have thick skulls to sustain the pressure on the brain caused by blowing the instrument, and to have the ability to cheetahs. Many new students die on their first year of playing, that is why recruiting oboe students is prohibited by law in the U.S., Europe, Australia, China & Japan. This leads to the fact that most oboists are former slave children from India and Africa.

An oboe can be used in several different ways. For one, it can be used to summon undead beings with its horrible blaring sound. The oboe, being made of hardwood ebony, can also be used as a hollow shortsword for cutting down thy enemies.

And, one thing that will always be useful with an oboe is firewood; you simply need to snap if in half, and then pour a small amount of gasoline on top. Lite a match and you've got yourself a nice, cozy little fire to cook dinner on. Now that's a great use.

Today, the demanding, hard-partying life of an oboe player is not for everyone. Potential oboe players should think long and hard about playing this instrument, especially girls, even though it is now quite socially acceptable for women to play the oboe (as long as it is not their primary source of income). Not everyone wants to put up with the extra mail, telephone calls, and daily interruptions from fanatical oboe fans and jealous bassoon players.

One thing about oboe players rarely mentioned, however, is that they are all quite strange. Many never move out of home and hide in their parents basements because of the cost of reeds. They tend to be anal about everything and anything, and at the same time just be spaced out 100% of the time. This could have to do with the lifestyle mentioned above and possible drug use.

Quotes by Oboe Players

"If the composer wanted it to sound good, he wouldn't have chosen the oboe." And yes, I am an oboist." -Anonymous

Often many will debate the question, "Are oboes better than clarinets?" Well, let me tell you this. The answer is "Yes". -Anonymous

"Face it- we oboists are all so high and mighty- in fact, surely we must annoy you always thinking we're so posh and great just because we can afford instruments that cost about three times as much as a plane! That's it! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Thus endeth the lesson." -Anonymous

Quotes relating to Oboes

"What the hell is an Oboe?" -Oscar Wilde

"I don't think it's supposed to go up there . . . oh well . . ." -Virgil Thomson

"And when the angel broke the fifth seal, I heard the tormented screams of the heathen as a chorus of 3,007 oboes playing in unison..." -Apocalypse 34:10a

"isn't this against the law in most states?" -police

"what the hell is that SOUND?!" -Anyone listening to an oboe

The infamous oboe reed

The oboe reed usually costs more money than a professional oboe player earns for a year of work in a famous orchestra. Another attribute of oboe reeds is the squeaky, high pitched noise they make while they aren't shoved into the oboe. The players usually squeak into these reeds until you smack it into a wall or throw the actually oboe player there. This is another leading cause of death among this group of musicians.

The second, flute.

The flute was created in 32 B.C. when a mentally challenged child began to drink her milk by blowing through her straw instead of drinking through it. The resulting high-pitched, bubbly, out of tune screech prompted the invention of the instrument all band members love to hate.

How you hold the damn thing

To the right. Yeah, that's right. The flute thinks it's so much better than everyone else in the band that it can't even point downwards. However, while this is annoying, it does make it easy to get after the person to your right when they refuse to play the right note by being perfectly positioned to give someone a good crack in the back of the head. To hold it properly, you gotta chew on the mouthpiece until you've got it nice and stuck, and then swing it around to the right until your shoulder snaps. Then all you have to do is keep raising it until the section leader shuts up.

Size... or lack thereof

The flute is absurdly small--so much so, in fact, that flute players (or flautists as no one calls them) often mistake their cases for wallets in their back pockets. Luckily there are so few male players that this problem, well, really isn't a problem.

You think the flute is bad? try the piccolo. it fits in a purse, any pocket even when in its case.

Tuning

The flute section is NEVER IN TUNE. Ever. Just because the band director has tuned a flute does not mean it will remain so. By the time he or she is done tuning Flute 2, Flute 1 is so freaking flat the tubas in the back can tell. And that's just sad.

In fact, there is only one proper way to tune two flutes, shoot one of them. Or if it is in the rest of the bands interest, shoot both of them.

The flute is actually really easy to tune. Piccolo is a whole another concept. If there are two piccoloists, go right a head and shoot one, but keep the other. Piccolos are extremely squeaky even in their second range. Piccolo is the instrument all the kids in band hate.

No one would even dare use a bass flute, thats just oxymoron, and is for morons. many believe this item to actually be the instrumental representation of the anti-christ.

Flute players only practice when most inconvenient, such as when the instructor is talking, before, during and after class, and most commonly during the destruction of one's eardrums and sanity. Little is known about flutists' habits, for researchers have either been killed by their spite and anger for all other sections or by the shrill, Geneva-Convention-breaking noise of 20 flutes trying and failing to find a chord. Many call this incident "death" or "plague".

And, clarinet.

The Clarinet is known by many to be a tasteeee snack for your dog. Recently, it has also been used by the U.S. military as a lethal dual-purpose weapon. Some jeopardy contestants may also refer to the clarinet as a "large brass instrument" or "tuba". It is known by some (and denied by many) that the clarinet is the manliest of all musical instruments.

Clarinet players are sometimes called clarinetists, but that is a mistake. The correct term is clar-a-nut. Yay! clar-a-nut clar-a-nut clar-a-nut-nut-nut!!

The Clarinet was created during World War II by an unknown German soldier that wanted to celebrate Germany's victory over Russia by playing on his recorder. When he finally realized that he had never had a recorder, he decided to make one out of his shotgun. He modified his shotgun so that blowing into the muzzle would create a nice sound. He also added several buttons that could be pressed down to change the note being played. He had created the first clarinet. Unfortunately, he forgot that he still had a bullet left in the shotgun, and when he played the first note, a middle C of perfect pitch, blew his head off.

At that point, another fellow soldier, Amadeus, walked into the room upon hearing such a perfect sound. Amongst the splattered brains, he found the modified shotgun. He then took it, and deserted the army with it. He fled to the New World, where music was not discovered yet. There he taught the primitive natives all about music, and along with the natives started to chop down all of their rainforests to mass produce more clarinets.

Right now, it is one of the instruments played most widely in US, along with drums and bongos. It is one of the causes trees are cut down so rapidly, due to the fact clarinets made from woods sound so freakin' good (better than the plastic ones... they sound like recorder ver. upgraded). Even John Williams wrote a Clarinet Concerto, taking a break from his busy schedule of composing music.

Up until the war in Iraq, no one had thought about using the clarinet for non-peaceful purposes. The U.S. military however, had other plans. In 2004, Bush purchased 2 billion clarinets, and bought another 800 million in 2005. They had many reasons for using the clarinet, the main ones which are:

• They are cheap weapons - Because no one south of the border makes over a dollar a day, clarinets can be made very cheap.
• They can be played during joyous occasions - What kind of weapon lets you celebrate a kill with music? Show that noob how much you pwn by playing a tune over his body!
• Supersonic Pitches - A new strategy being used by soldiers is to play an extremely high and off tune note in front of the infidels (with earplugs on). The terrorists's eardrums will break, and holding the note for about a minute will make them go crazy. A further two minutes after this and their brains will start dribbling out of their ears.
• Assimilation of Western Culture - The Iraqi culture is slowly diminishing as Western culture is being introduced. Clarinets are replacing the drums as the national instrument. All along Iraq, local Halal restaurants are being replaced with McDonald's, camels are being replaced by Grand Cherokees, and the youth is beginning to wear clothing that is too big for them.

Bassoon

The bassoon is a musical instrument invented in 1615 by the Italian genius Leonardo da Vinci. No other instrument was judged irritating enough to keep the birds and the Nomads away. It has since fallen out of agricultural use with the advent of the bagpipes. Now it is only used in rare cases (when there are no agpipes) in Iran, Sweden and Burkina Faso to scatter regime-critical demonstrations, and to torture political prisoners.

Apart from torture, the bassoon is vital for survival on isolated islands when stranded. The bassoon can be used to scare off predators, make a long lasting fire and make such loud noises it has the ability to notify any personal in a twenty mile radius. Notably, it is why the characters in the TV show Lost have not been found yet.

Bassoonists are basically good-natured, outwardly apparently sensitive to light and withdrawn, but quaint and whimsical, and funny when with friends. With advancing age they become quite gray. Their bassoon is their bride--once the Overture is over, they look forward to the 5th Act when they have a measure-long solo to play.

The bassoon is known for its lovingly soothing "fart" sounds and its ability to knock out any head it comes in contact with. It is approximately 3/10 of a league long and weighs about 2 stones. If thrown correctly (known as "perfect pitch") it has a range of .0000168165 AU and does 2d4 damage. It is configured in a modified reverse topological cylindrical mode, also known as the 'bong' shape.

Fun Facts

• Bassooners often die young because of the pressure they expose their brain to while playing.
• Also, a Bassoon is incredibly dangerous and has killed by impalation through the player's neck.
• Bassooners have to work hard not to fart while playing. Instead of going the normal way, the farts travel up the bassoonists' spine and into his/her brain. That's where all the bassooners get their crappy ideas from.
• Darth Vader was a bassoonist.
• Despite the bassoons odd sound and look, it is exactly 13.87 times better than the oboe and a total of 13.359,34 times better than the viola
• The bassoon has actively been used as a rocket-launcher in hard times.
• The main reason Bassoons kill is for the hell of it.
• Nobody likes them. The noise they produce is equal to the brown note. For your lifespan.

Saxophone

Saxophonist: 1. Someone who plays on a saxophone while being admired by a furby. Saxophonists are commonlly mistaken for furbies, because of the time spent on talking Spangermitalifrenswedutch, but in actuallity are just victims of rape. This is also a disputed fact, but up yours if you make a big deal about it. Saxophonists will attack maids on sight.

2. A saxophone is a musical instrument made for people who enjoy jumping in a bucket while eating lots of burgers!(and women too, assuming burgers are not readily available).

3. Used to be refered to as a sackbutt, in the baroque times.

4. A saxophone is a woodwind instrument, the word 'woodwind' coming from a greek translation meaning 'the sound a big tree makes as it is flung through the air during a rather large gale of wind' which later was just shortened to 'ww' for the obvious.

5. It is a commonly known fact that every saxophonist hates any and all flutists. They will attack any flute on sight.

A saxophone can be a man's best friend, in fact many famous sax players have been known to buy special leads to take their saxophones out for walks in the park.

Another fun thing to do with saxophones is to play them over a hardcore guitar and bass etc backing, this avoids all the suckiness of jazz and allows you to jump around stage showing off your wicked badass moves.

Throughout most of the world, the fundamental sound on the saxophone is generated by a small vibrating reed made out of sugar cane. However, due to increased sugar tariffs and corresponding corn subsidies, reeds in the U.S. are now made of compressed high-fructose corn syrup, the variable, gooey texture of which creates a horrid warbling sound that is often passed off as vibrato, especially in jazz circles.

The saxophone, being an inferior instrument, was made for people that are too good to play french horn, and not for really bad clarinet players. They never forget to put on their neckstraps before sax.

French Horn.

In musicology, a French horn is a musical instrumental device which continues to defy all musical (and French) logic. It is known as the metrosexual instrument for being in both brass groups and the woodwind quintet.

It is known to sound incredibly awesome and beautiful. Many have reported as breaking down in tears after hearing one in person. Although many are jealous of the horn, they are mostly euphonium players angry their instrument doesn't matter.

In 1903, the first French horn was accidentally constructed inside the Eiffel Tower as the result of an experimental plumbing project gone horribly wrong. After many false starts, a vast army of foreign-exchange Italian plumbers were forced to improvise, since they weren't very good at reading blueprints written entirely in French. Within a matter of days, many of the construction crew members were irretrievably lost inside a multidimensional labyrinth of their own stomach-churning creation.

After countless years of neglect, the monstrous entanglement of piping and shower-head attachments was finally extracted from the tower (mostly in one piece) and sold by President François Mitterrand to the Iraqi Philharmonic Orchestra under the pretense of "cultural exchange" (along with a complimentary package of enriched uranium pellets). To this day, secret CIA agents swear they can still hear the muffled Italian screams of plumbers resonating within the shattered remnants of the infrastructure of Baghdad ("Armi di distruzione totale! Armi di distruzione totale!")

The horn that the French attempted to invent themselves was a total, complete failure. However, it inspired the invention of the modern aluminium baseball bat.