Mind

There was this very famous dancer video which can test whether you are left-brained or right-brained.



If you are left-brained, you should see her turning anti-clockwise, or vice versa for right-brained.

For me, I can only see her turning clockwise, no matter how hard I tried. But I did see her turning anti-clockwise, when my mind started to drift away, but she just got back to clockwise once I realised I was seeing her turning the "wrong" direction.

I think there is no doubt that I am right-brained, SERIOUS right-brained. And I can show you by telling some of my stories.

The most observable thing is my response to eye sight of others. It has not been once, but quite a lot of time, that when someone was looking at me (from my back, or any else angle that I wouldn't have noticed), I will subconsciously look back to the person, and the person will go "wow, you know I am looking at you". Seriously of course I won't know, but my body will react somehow.

I think it is something that can be called intuitive. My body will react somehow not following my mind. Maybe that's why I always say some words that even myself can't understand, and it's actually very hard to control.

My dream is another source of my amusement. It is not about the dream that usually happens before you wake up everyday, so you can remember it. It is about the dreams happen at the deepest sleep region, and you will just forget all when you wake up. But I realised that I have been really dreaming about future. And when my daily life seems to overlap with my past dreams, I will start to confuse. More often, when I am typing blog, I will suddenly feel that I have typed the same sentence before. And when I tried to search back in my blog, I can't find the "sentence that I have typed". This can be really annoying sometimes.

Reports show that right-brained people will usually have a wider mind. I can tell you for sure, it is true. It is especially dominating when I am trying to sleep. When I put my mind into a resting state, within two or three seconds, it will just go creating story and everything turns strange in my mind. If suddenly something weird comes into my mind, I will suddenly "wake up" from the mind drifting, and the process have to continue again. That's why I always seems like not enough sleep, because my sleeping process is just too inefficient.

It has been shown that right-brained people like me are more suitable to become musician or artist. So I wonder, what am I doing in Engineering? But for a completely right-brained person like me, actually I think what major doesn't really matter. People have been encouraged to use mind-map to help studies, but I found that mind-map or not makes no difference to me. My brain will link everything in its own way. So when I compare myself to other's way of studying, I will find that I actually need a lot lesser time. It is not because I am smarter, just because my brain will secretly process everything and put the things into the web that it creates.

Intuitive is all about crazy mind. I can tell you that because it is strongest when I am in some crazy emotions, and least when I am calm and quiet. But it always seems like I am very hard to stay quiet.

No one ever tried to understand me. They just put a "Khai Yuen is noisy and disturbing and annoying" label to me. It will be really difficult for me to stay quiet, because my brain is just so busy for the whole day. Things just like to pop out of my brain, and my mouth will just open and pour out the shit before I can even stop it. And you know, you can't possibly keep thinking "shut up, shut up, shut up..." to yourself for the whole day.

Maybe it's just very difficult for illogical people like me to stay with those people who is logical. Too bad there are mostly logical people in the world, and those illogical people are mostly in some hospital. I was even thinking, maybe I am their kind who luckily enough that can escape from the hospital.

Intuitive can get really strong for me. Last semester, when I had studied for more than one week by myself and got no social interaction (except buy food, or msn a bit), I was in a really weird emotion. The mind will just jump up and down, and suddenly I felt like I am one of the philosophers. And then, I saw things happens in future. I mentally saw my water bottle fell down from the table, but I didn't take notice. After an hour, I knocked it accidentally, and it just fall in exactly the way previously in my mind.

Sometimes when people are really annoyed by me, I will start to think, maybe I should be more belong to those hospital. I have been really trying to learn how to interact with others, and everything can just be ruined by my words. And more often, I can't understand why are the others annoyed by me, just because my mindset is not as logical as everyone else.

I think sooner or later I will start to have split personalities, one is the extremely wild-minded me, one is the extremely quiet and dead-minded me. And yes, it will always go toward extreme. Maybe it's just my imagination, but the quiet me has already appeared today. The feeling is kind of interesting, I know who I am, I know what I am doing, and I know what is going on. But, I will just feel like the other one is not me, yet is me. Kind of hard to explain, but I guess you won't want to understand either.

And seriously, if you hate a person like me, who can't control myself sometimes, please just tell me and I will keep myself away from you. If you think that I can control my mind like you do, please change your thoughts.

I am just a weak-minded person. Sometimes I even think that, maybe living in one of those special hospital, I will be more happier. At least, I don't need to control my mind for every second, to suit the logic of other people. At least, no one will ask me to shut up and get lost when I didn't even know what I have said.

They said I am like from a parallel dimension. They also said that I am in my own world. I think that's quite true, because my world of mind is just so different from the others.

I think I have to visit a doctor soon.