Future

It's not first time I am lost about my future. Quite sure that it will not be the last also.

When I blogged about playing English horn much, my mother will start asking me, "you want to change to music major?" I don't know whether she was pissed by my seemingly ignore of my studies, or she just wanted to know what I think. I think it will be the former one. Now is a bit too late for me to study music of course. So I had to answer my mother question by "no".

I think the most regretful thing in my life will be rejected to learn piano when I was young. My mother did ask me, democratically, but I just refused. I think I will just give up everything I have now if I am given chance to go back and learn again. But I guess if I learned piano at the age that I was so young to understand music, I would probably not as desperate as now I am.

Future is a word I hate. How often, I always try to avoid thinking about the future. Money, marriage, family, house, car or whatever, I just don't like to think about. I am not the one who wants these without paying efforts, but I am also not the one who willing to live the life just for these things. But tell me, how human can survive without these things?

Since young, I had been thinking, how nice if I weren't exist in this world, how nice if I wouldn't have to think about money so much, how nice if I don't need to worry about relationships. I just simply hate the system of the world, but it just rules the world without anyone fighting against it. I am not talking about democracy or communism or whatever system you call, I am talking about how people think, react and do stuffs.

I just simply hate the world sometimes, and how am I supposed to have an optimism view about my future? It is just a cold and cruel world, with people trying to act nice to each others. Pessimism it may seem, it is what I think, especially when I am not happy. And how often am I happy? I guess, minus the time that I pretend to be happy, not much.

Future is just a heavy word. It is like a heavy metal that drops from the sky and lands on your shoulder, only to press you nearer to ground, struggling to survive. Yes, we all are just struggling to survive, why are we still thinking about the future?

All about money. Money will be the most evil thing in the world, and at the same time the most holy thing. Really think about it, money, more or less, won't really change yourself. You are still you, humans just won't reflect themselves often enough to realised that money is just money.

Maybe future is just wrong. No matter how you think, your future is just not your perceived future. And you will be the same if you don't have your dream about future. How pathetic if your dream of future is your only driving force.